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07/23/2004: "Blog Envy"

Reading other people's blogs is absolutely fascinating to me. I come across them, sometimes by chance and read a few entries, glimpses into someone's often extremely private life. Some I return to again and again. Some people are sad, lonely, frustrated, angry at the world, and others seem to lead such magical and charmed lives that it makes me feel like a useless waste of space in comparison.

I have *always* compared myself to others. I know you're not supposed to but I do anyway, I can't help it. I have this running dialog in my head, like walking down the street I'll be thinking:

"Are my calves as big as hers, no, I think mine are smaller, hmm, well, from this angle, I'm definitely shorter...oh, she's so much younger than me, how can she afford a Landrover? Wah, you think you're better than me? Eew gross, check out that guy's hair plugs, well, my hair isn't as thick as it used to be either...I have more than that guy at least, nice teeth anyway, my teeth are different colors, they're whiter than hers though, damn it why won't she open her mouth again?

Well, that's an exaggeration, really I do think about things like that which is ironic since I spend zero time or money on my appearance (*really* ask anyone!)...and actually, I feel more envy over people's accomplishments than their looks or money.

There is this one particular blog that I find always makes me feel extremely small after I read it. Sometimes I'll stay away for a month or so at a time but then I'll go back, read some more and think, damn, how come all that cool shit happens to her? Maybe it hits closer to home for me because she is a person very very similar to me to a frightening degree...I mean, I'm not envious of people like Jennifer Anniston or Angelina Joliee for example because we're not in the same ballpark, but this person seems no smarter, no better looking, no more talented than I am and is in a similar line of work...and yet she is successful beyond measure and has this incredibly exciting and seemingly perfect life that feels to me like the realization of everything I could be but for some reason I'm not.

I just spent a lot of time reading it tonight and it seems, whatever I've accomplished, she's done something 100 times bigger and better. And don't get me wrong; I'm more than thankful for everything that I have, I'm not whining (ok, maybe just a little). I know I should use this person's life as a model, something to strive for, and see it as a positive thing and quit beating myself up...or, more likely I'll just quit reading it. Can anyone recommend a good "down on their luck" blog? Anyone? Quick, get me 20 CCs of depressed loser blog...STAT.