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04/16/2005: "Chemical Reality #2"
This morning a former student of mine from Sitka and her husband treated me to breakfast at the Fiddlehead. They and their friends talked about music with so much passion it made me realize what a huge deal the Alaska Folk Festival really is.
Truth is I haven't participated in it due to the whole shyness/crowd anxiety thing. When I was younger I was either really up, or really down. If I was up, I *loved* being the center of attention and if I was down I just didn't go out. Of course, I used to party pretty hard and was regularly messed up on one thing or another.
I started treatment for bipolar (about 3 years ago) and I've had to basically relearn how to behave in social situations sans the mania. It's no longer easy for me and I prefer being alone. In some ways I feel like a completely different person; I wonder how much of our personalities are based purely on chemicals? I've exchanged one kind of drug for another...who is to say which is the real me?
Anyway, the energy at breakfast inspired me to start painting again. First thing in the door I saw the reflections from my glass fishing floats so had to take a few snaps. The furry feet belong to Osiris. Now I'm starting to work on a new painting. If I really want to make it as an artist I can't quit everytime I get the wind knocked out of my sails. It's going to happen, and happen a lot and what I need to do is just confirm my resolve and work harder than ever. And so it begins...again.