Alaskan Artist - Elise Tomlinson
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02/08/2006: "Dance hermit dance!"

I've been pretty social (for me) since getting back from Christmas break. That was the plan/goal...I've been going out for coffee, dinner, to parties, to movies and meeting new interesting people (while getting to know people I already like...even better)....and it has been wonderful...I have felt happy and connected with more dances on my dance card than my little feet can handle but...

It seems every time I go to something and have a really great time, once I'm home and alone again I feel bad...*really* bad. I feel like I did and said everything wrong, that no one really likes me, that I try too hard or that I must have been really annoying. I feel this way almost all of the time, except when I'm alone. When I'm alone I really like myself. So, I guess it's a trade off...enjoy the time spent with others and be prepared to suffer the psychological hang-over it produces...or...keep to myself and stay in my own little world/studio where I control everything and I'm always the coolest girl in the room.

Replies: 13 Comments

on Thursday, February 9th, Rod said

It's funny, The biggest, grandest, most impressive party I have ever been to was the one you put on for your sister at the Red Barn in Spenard, and I learned from you how to *really* throw a party!
My best memories from that night are YOU!! However many people came in to the apartment. (And if I recall, nearly 250 people were there, in the barn, on the street,.. everywhere!) Weather you knew them or not, you had everyone laughing and smiling. I was amazed, and I distinctly remember standing in the kitchen watching you, thinking, "I wish I could do that!" and yes, the sink was full of dirty dishes! :)
My point is, as I have learned, having cocktail parties or attending them can be very draining and, I have been known to say, "did I say something stupid?"
Don't worry too much about what everyone else might think. Be the best host/guest for the moment and don't worry about the next days' possiblities.
90% Of the time it's just you second-guessing yourself.

on Thursday, February 9th, Elise said

Ah yes, I remember living in the "red barn" on Doris Street...scary at times but also fun. I suppose I did know how to throw a mean party back in the day...and I still do though now people are more concerned about babysitters than sleeping through mid-terms.

I'm sure I was just as insecure back then, I'm not entirely sure where that comes from.

Anyway, that was nice of you to say Rod. (so, uh, 10% of the time I really am being a horses's ass?)

on Thursday, February 9th, Brian said

Elise, you're hardly annoying. In fact, I think you're a riot. I'm drawn to people who can make me laugh, and you certainly do that. And you come across as genuine (another plus) - not someone who seems to be hiding their true self.

The "right" words don't always pop out of my mouth, and I'm okay with that, as long as I'm honest (I tell it like it is!). I realize that not everyone is going to like me - if I worried about gaining everyone's approval, I would have been in big trouble a LONG time ago. Plus, it's not like I particularly enjoy the company of every new acquaintance that comes into my life. We don't all have to like each other.

So, I guess my advice would be... Don't fret. Be yourself. As long as you like yourself, it'll all work out.

on Thursday, February 9th, riva weinstein said

We all feel like that after a party! Sometimes even after a day at the office. It's that annoying little voice in our heads that thinks we aren't perfect just as we are. Tell it to go back where it came from and leave you alone!

on Thursday, February 9th, Elise said

Hi Brian (I'm assuming this is the Brian from the upcoming fashion show and not "sailing" Brian, whom I also spoke with at the IP last night?) anyway, thanks for saying that...I guess life is less complicated when we keep to ourselves, but less interesting as well.

It's just, normally I will lay in bed at night, before I fall asleep, and my fantasies go something like this "oooh, that would be so much better if I added more alizarin crimson to the skin tone and then gave the background more atmosphere"... I honestly think about painting *all* the time, and it keeps me working feverishly and working keeps me happy in a different kind of way than being social does.

Last night I laid in bed thinking "oh crap, why did I say that? I'm such a loser, I sounded like a complete idiot, I shouldn't drink so much" blah blah blah...ya know?

I really wish I could turn off all the negative voices in my head and not fret and just be myself and enjoy life and friendships for what they are but that is so much easier said than done.

btw, when you said you don't "particularly enjoy the company of every new acquaintance that comes into my life" you weren't talking about me right? right?

on Thursday, February 9th, Elise said

Hi Riva, your website looks really interesting. I'm on my lunch at work right now but when I get home tonight I'm going to check it out. Thanks for the's comforting to know I'm not the only person with the annoying little voice in my head!

on Thursday, February 9th, RBB said

Hey you, do you remember me? Does the acquarium in downtown Hololulu ring any bells? I know we didn't know each other very long but I thought you were one of the funnest people that I'd ever been with. I know I f*$#ed that up but seriously, I don't think you need to worry about people not liking you. What's not to like?

on Thursday, February 9th, Elise said

OK, rbb, I think someone is messing with me as I'm really not sure what you're talking about and anyway, I'd prefer you email me rather than post in this blog if it's going to be something personal...kay?

on Friday, February 10th, Brian said

Yes, it's fashion show Brian - eight days and counting until I make a fool of myself on the runway. Don't forget to bring your special eclipse-watching glasses to protect your eyes from the glare that'll be created from the stage lights reflecting off of my pale body.

No, I wasn't referencing you with my acquaintance comment - a bit paranoid, aren't we??? If I found your personality revolting, you'd know it. I have many charms (ha!), but subtlety isn't one of them.

on Friday, February 10th, Elise said

LOL, I bought special SFP500 sun screen for the big show.
I can't wait!!!

on Saturday, February 11th, ann said

Was this inspired by the really fun time we all had Wednesday night? The one where you were entertaining, fun, and funny? I personally had a great time, and I think a lot of other people did, too. And your being there was a big part of the fun.

Just so ya know.

on Saturday, February 11th, Elise said

Yes Ann, that's the night...and don't worry, my insecurity is in direct proportion to the amount of fun I've had... more fun = more insecurity.

But thanks for the reasurances birthday girl!

on Saturday, February 11th, Elise said

arg, spelling and cold syrup don't mix!