08/15/2006: "Sliding Doors"
Tonight after work a good friend of mine made me an absolutely incredible dinner...tempting me to stay in Juneau with almond crusted chicken and candied squash. We talked...or I should say...I talked. I've been so self-absorbed lately...I'm usually a good listener (when not obsessing over a huge decision).
Anyway, thanks for all the solid advice and well-wishes. I can't remember the last time I could see myself, so clearly, going down such opposite paths. I can visualize myself taking the job, packing my stuff, having a garage sale, putting my house on the market, the going away party, feeling sad on the airplane, arriving in Centralia, finding a place to live, first day on the job...entering the new office.
I can imagine how overwhelmed I'll feel, wondering if I've made the right decision or if I've gotten in over my head. At first it will be hard, meeting so many new people and trying to figure out how things operate on a new campus, but it would be exciting too with places and people to discover...everyday something new. And I can see myself settling into my home, putting things on the walls, setting up my studio, my cats exploring their new domain. I can see it all perfectly.
But I can also see turning down the job and staying in Juneau. I mean, it's not just the people I work with who depend on me, I do a lot of volunteer work and have friends who will miss me. Plus I can see myself out on my sailboat on a race to Taku Harbor or hiking Perseverance Trail, and I can sense the relief I'll feel to *not* have to sell my belongings and say goodbye to 7 years worth of friends and memories. Plus there are new people I've met recently that I'd like the chance to know better.
Part of me is a go-getter raring to conquer the next big goal in life and the other part of me wants to just relax and not feel so compelled to always accomplish more more more... but just to *be* content. And I worry that I'm maybe not the right person for the job, that I may let my new employers down...and the fact they are being so accomodating isn't making my choice any easier.
There was this great movie I watched years ago called Sliding Doors where you get to see the parallel paths a woman's life takes depending on whether or not she catches a train. I wish I could see a pre-view of the next year of my life depending on the choices I make tomorrow. If you could see the future...would you want to?