08/24/2006: "Take back the night"

When I was in jr. high/high school, I used to go out running late at night. I would run and run until I couldn't anymore. I wasn't an athlete or anything but there was something so liberating about running in the dark, down empty streets, out on the highway past rustling corn fields, and I never felt afraid.

A conversation I had recently brought up a lot of things that have happened since then, large and small, that have chipped away at that deep sense of security I had. After graduation I was adventurous enough to move to Alaska alone, to take scuba diving, to travel and study overseas etc. My dad would get so worried, not wanting me to get hurt and I’d say “if anything happens to me, you’ll know it was doing what I love and that I’d be ok with that”…it sounds cliché but I meant it.

I guess the older I get the more aware I am of my vulnerabilities…that I’m not as strong or indestructible as I once imagined, and that there are those out there who just possibly mean me harm. I still take risks but they are calculated and there are things I don’t do anymore because I’ve allowed fear to creep in around the edges.

Tonight I was so restless and bored…you know, when you don’t feel like watching a movie or reading or anything else…so I went for a brisk walk in the dark. (I’m not in shape enough anymore to “run” exactly) but I got good and sweaty and it felt incredible. I pushed down the voice that said “there could be someone lurking out there" because honestly, I don’t want to live my life so guarded. I want to believe that “if anything happens to me, you’ll know it was doing what I love and that I’d be ok with that”…

Replies: 11 Comments

on Thursday, August 24th, Kasia said

My favourite fear quote:
"Why are we scared to die? Do any of us remember being scared when we were born?"
Trevor Kay

[Btw - of course I am a big coward sometimes but I try hard not to be one. ]

on Thursday, August 24th, Elise said

Hey Kasia, I don't think I'm afraid to die, I'm just afraid of being aware that I'm going to die (like, terminal illness or slowly beeding to death with a pipe stuck through my stomach)...
:confused:
I think we all experience fear, it's just important to not let it control us, right?
:blush:

on Friday, August 25th, Stephanie said

“Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear – not absence of fear.” —Mark Twain
it's so easy to let a small risk grow into a big fear - yes, there could be someone lurking but it is unlikey - so balance (i like that verb!) the risk - stay alert, don't wear headphones, etc - just don't give it up - Brava to you for getting out there! (same should be said for your big move - congrats!)

on Friday, August 25th, Kasia said

Totally right. :)

on Friday, August 25th, willow said

"slowly bleeding to death with a pipe stuck through my stomach..."

Elise, were you watching Grey's Anatomy last night? :rolleyes:

on Friday, August 25th, Elise said

Hi Stephanie, I forgot about that quote by MT but I love that one, yes!

And Willow, I laughed out loud when I read your comment because of course I WAS!
:blush:
wasn't it sad?
That's is *not* how I'd like to go.

on Friday, August 25th, willow said

Hi Elise! It was really sad. Imagine being so aware that your life was going to be over then and there! It reminded me to really LIVE my life, rather than just go bumping along.

on Friday, August 25th, dad said

whoe's to say that death is not the greatest adventure of all. :O from a old kung fue ? searies ;)

on Friday, August 25th, Elise said

True Willow, no bumping along for this chick!

And dad, I hope that death is a great adventure, I'd like to believe that (and happy adventure that is).
:hehe:

on Friday, August 25th, holly said

I pushed down the voice that said “there could be someone lurking out there" because honestly, I don’t want to live my life so guarded. I want to believe that “if anything happens to me, you’ll know it was doing what I love and that I’d be ok with that”…

This is the *only* thing that kept me pedaling alone through a foreign country on isolated country roads. If I had worried and given in to my fears I would have missed the experience and adventure of a lifetime. And you dad is right-- we don't know that the greatest adventure of all is at the threshold of this life. Good for you for not listening to that voice.

on Friday, August 25th, Elise said

many of my "adventrues of a lifetime" came initially at the cost of extreme panic.

Taking the chair up to the tip top of the mountain my first time off the bunny slope, traveling through Morocco, learning to sail in 25 knot winds, etc.

It's great to be able to acknowlege the fear and press on...how else will be acquire the stories to tell and retell into our old age?
:laugh:
hoping we make it into our old age that is.