12/02/2003: "Substitution Chart"

I got the new Harper's today and there was a funny piece called "Substitution Chart" by J. Robert Lennon. It starts out like a normal substitution chart, the kind used in cooking...

1 egg = 2 T vegtable oil
1 T prepared mustard = 1 t dry mustard

and then starts converting things like:

licked by dog = gift of ugly necktie
1 punch in jaw = 8 middle fingers
car alarm = painful urination

etc.

I really like the idea of making substitutions of non-related but oddly equivalent items. So I've come up with a few of my own.

Vacant gaze of George W Bush = 2,692,000 lost jobs
missed bus = carpal tunnel
1 pepperoni pizza = 2 Ben & Jerry's ice creams
full litter box = bad haircut
Patriot Act = Witness Protection
backhanded compliment = cell phone call at the movies

others?