04/27/2005: "The Case of the Artist and the Phantom Tooth Decay!"
Forgive me dentist for I have sinned. My last cleaning was 3 years ago!
Some of you may remember that my teeth have been bothering me and that I wasn't going into the dentist for financial and anxiety related reasons. I kept picturing a huge festering abscess reaching down into my jaw bone. I thought it would be terrible. I thought I'd be told I had 10 new cavities and needed three root canals and gum surgery. Turns out I have the healthiest mouth in town. No cavities, no gingivitis, no nuttin.
I asked the dentist if there's such a thing as a “hysterical” cavity and he and the dental hygienist had a good laugh so I'm guessing the answer is no! The only thing that bums me out every time I go to the dentist is the horrified way that both the hygienist *and* dentist comment on the aesthetics of my two front teeth. "Surely you want to have something done about that!".
See, I used to play a lot of cut-throat racquetball in college and one time I got hit in the mouth so hard that the dentist had to scrape the blue enamel from the racquet out of my front teeth. Both teeth eventually died but not at the same time. So one front tooth has a grayish colored crown and the other tooth has a yellowish colored veneer. The sum effect is that I don’t smile much (oh vanity!) at least not the toothy kind.
Maybe one day they’ll pitch in and write a letter to Extreme Make-over on my behalf so I can get a big dumb ass mouthful of giant glow-in-the-dark horse teeth and look purdy again.