02/16/2006: "Waiting for the other shoe to drop..."

on Friday, February 17th, mcbrien@gmail.com">Julie McBrien said

Hi, Elise. I am someone who misses you when you disappear for days, weeks and months at a time. Please don't prepare yourself for a lecture, because that is not my intent. What I want to share with you in this post is a path to happiness that I have found.

Do you remember our last fight? How I said those mean things to you? I apologize for saying them. At the time, I was very self-centered. I couldn’t see past my own pain. I didn’t see the pain that I caused you. I see it now, though.

Please forgive me. My family lovingly refers to me as their ‘Bull in a China Shop’.

At that time, I was very unhappy with my life and my self-respect was at an all-time low. I was at your house so I wouldn’t be at mine. I thought that I could find answers by changing my surroundings. Of course, this completely backfired!

At some point I realized that I choose my thoughts. Hell, I can even choose my emotions. I discovered something important in my search to heal. I found that I can put my energy into positive things, or I can put my energy into negative things. Really, it’s up to me.

What are positive things? Positive things are things and people that make me feel good about myself. They have a positive return. I feel good after doing them or being with them. What are negative things? (This sounds overly simple, but maybe it is?) Negative things consume energy and they add nothing to my wellbeing. For me, these things tend to be obsessions that upset my peace of mind. An example would be the obsessive worrying that I used to do for my stepchildren, when they were at their mother’s house. Sure, worrying = love, but it began to harm my marriage. My self-respect began to suffer. I had to find a way to trust more and worry less.

When I first approached this new idea of mine, I put it to the test right away. I decided to remember the birthdays of my friends and relatives, even if all I did was send a post card wishing them a happy day. I figured that since I can never afford to buy these people gifts at Christmas, I could surprise them on their birthdays. Love is fundamentally important to a healthy self-image, so this seemed like the place to start with my positive energy theory.

Well, I have been doing this for three years now and the most unexpected result have come of it. Happiness. Well, of all things! I don’t always get birthday presents in return, in fact, I never do. But that isn’t important. That my gifts should be reciprocated misses the point entirely. The point is to take a moment, to dedicate some energy to a loved one, and then to show them that I was thinking about them in a small way.

Please don’t misunderstand my little monologue. I am not advocating a choice between art and friendship. I am just trying to share this wonderful thing that I have stumbled onto, in the hope that it will help you. You mentioned that your grandfather has been ill. My little positive method guarantees that I have good memories of my friends and relatives when they are alive. I end up with stronger relationships and a better understanding of important people in my life.

Elise - you are a kick-ass woman. Don’t feel guilty about your friendships and definitely don’t make friends into chores. That is a guaranteed killjoy, right there. Enjoy that you are exactly as you were meant to be. Nothing about you is bad or a 'mistake', and so nothing needs to be fixed! Remember that your friends want to spend time with you because they like you. You are fun and brilliant and you challenge us with your theories and you ask us to examine our belief systems. Each of your friends and relatives is more alive for knowing you and even though we argue and fight with you, we recognize this and we even crave it.

Peace,
Julie