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04/08/2008: "What Do You Want!"
I’m overwhelmed by the sun and the images in my head of biking, hiking, sailing, camping, fishing, and kayaking. In all of these visions, I think of how guilty all of those activities will make me feel if I do them (while I should be painting) or how I’ll miss doing them if I’m inside painting as I *should* be.
Secondly, painting usually is great for my mental health but very hard on me physically. I usually don’t eat very well when I’m in the groove, I don’t get enough sleep, and even though I’ve transitioned to a non-toxic oil painting environment, I swear I still have some weird respiratory response to the paints (congestion and headaches).
I’m still on the allergy elimination diet (2 days to go) and it has helped with certain things (more energy, sleeping better, lost 10 pounds, etc.) but it hasn’t helped with some of the conditions I was really hoping it would help with health-wise but I’m continuing on with it. It takes a lot of time though, shopping only for unprocessed, organic foods and cooking everything from scratch is not going to happen once I start painting in earnest.
I am on a serious quest for better health, and I’m not sure how the stress of putting on a show and planning a wedding (both sedentary) are going to help with my overall health objectives.
Maybe I am just making excuses because I spent so much of last summer inside painting when I was lusting to be outside. Maybe I’m feeling guilty because I had plenty of time to paint this winter when I was laid up from my bad back, and yet I didn’t.
This may seem off track but…I am a HUGE Battlestar Galactica fan (the new series). In the current (final) season Starbuck thinks she knows the way to Earth but no one believes her. Instead they continue to make jumps in the wrong direction. Every time the fleet makes a jump she feels the pain and dread of going the wrong way. Afraid that if they go too far, she’ll lose her ability to find her way back altogether.
I guess that’s how I’m feeling. Like every choice I’ve made lately is taking me farther and farther away from my dream of being a working artist. And yet…my life is good, and I’m happier than ever. Except the fact that I'm not painting makes me feel sick to my stomach...so what gives?